Parenting is tough, but co-parenting a child when your relationship with the other person is no longer can throw up all sorts of challenges. However, there are many things you can do to ensure that you are successful as a co-parent and that your child continues to have the love and support of both parents as they grow. Read on to find out what they are.
1. Keep Your Divorce and Parenting Separate
Getting divorced is not only emotionally draining, but it’s also full of paperwork, and negotiations. Indeed, it’s not just the official dissolution of your marriage that you need to complete, but the dividing of your assets as a couple as well.
All of this can get very stressful, and when you add that to the strains in a relationship that is already gone beyond breaking point it can be a very difficult situation to manage. However, you must protect your child from as many of the stresses and emotional impacts associated with the divorce process as possible.
This may mean using a professional divorce lawyer to help you manage your case, and minimize the emotional stress involved. You may even like to find a team of good property settlement lawyers that can help you divide up your assets fairly, without you and your ex have to get into conflict all the time. Indeed, such professionals can help to provide emotional distance between you and the situation and help protect the new relationship between you and your ex so you are more effectively co-parent.
2. Respect Each Other’s Parenting Styles
Even when you were together, you may not have had the same parenting style, so to expect this to be the case after the dissolution of your marriage is unrealistic. Of course, there are some things with which you will need to provide a united front for the well-being of your children, such as nutrition, exercise, and safety.
However, if your co-parents’ way of dealing with minor issues is not exactly the same as yours it’s best to not sweat it. Indeed, unless it’s something that is confusing your child, then having a different set of expectations at your home versus your ex’s home can work. You just need to be very clear about what they are and what the consequences are for breaking these. Oh, and you need to be consistent with consequences too!
3. Don’t Speak Ill of Each Other in Front of the Children
Tempting as it may be to let your anger and resentment bubble over, emotionally dumping on your child about your ex is never healthy in the long run. This is because kids can often feel caught in the middle when they hear all about the awful things one parent has done from another.
This situation can lead to them feeling like they have to pick sides, especially if one or both parents are expecting them to help fix or manage their emotions. In some cases, it can get so bad that the child assumes the adult role when it comes to emotions which can lead to a great deal of pressure and dysfunction later on.
With that in mind, it’s much better to stay as neutral as possible when talking about your co-parent in front of your child. That doesn’t mean you can feel all your feelings towards them, just make sure that you vent them in an appropriate space, such as to a friend while your child is not home, or to a qualified counsellor or therapist.
4. Don’t Use Your Child as a Messenger
Sometimes after a breakup, even the thought of having to speak to or have contact with an ex can fill you with dread. However, it is very important that you maintain civil lines of direct communication between you and your co-parent, and not expect your child to act as a messenger.
This is because it can put a great deal of pressure on your child, not only to have to remember what to say, but you will also likely be exposing them to any negative reaction that your co-parent may have.
Instead, keeping things as civil as possible between the adults is the best way. Although this will look different for each former couple. Indeed, you may wish to avoid face-to-face contact if emotions are still raw, and use emails instead. Indeed, emails can work very well for co-parents because they are not as immediate as texts, and you can choose to access them on your own terms, something that can feel much more manageable. Additionally, by emailing your co-parent you will have a record of what we said that you can access exactly which can be helpful both for your own use and if the authorities need to become involved later on down the line.
5. Don’t Try to Buy Your Child’s Love or Affection
Often the parent with whom the child does not spend the majority of their time can feel at a disadvantage. In some cases, this can lead to them trying to show their love by buying extravagant gifts, and ‘spoiling’ their kids when they do get to see them.
Unfortunately, this can do more harm than good in the long run, and studies show that what kids often want above all else, is for that parent to spend quality time with them. To that end, instead of spending money on shiny new gifts and gadgets, why not put it towards experience with your kids where you need to be fully engaged with them, and can build a positive parent-child relationship?
6. Be Open to Scheduling Changes
Being a parent you will already know how challenging sticking to a schedule can be. Of course, when you combine 2 households with different schedules and demands on their time, things can get even more complicated.
That is why you must try not to see every scheduling change as a personal slight or deliberate inconvenience to you. Indeed, while it’s true that some co-parents may play games in this regard, most are just trying to do the best they can and so a little grace can go a long way when it comes to keeping your relationship as co-parents intact for the sake of your child.
7. Learn to be in the same room together
While hanging out with your ex is the last thing you may want to do right now, learning how to keep things calm and civil when you are together in the same space is a skill that can pay dividends in the long run. After all, your child will likely want you both to attend all the big milestones in their life such as graduation, and when they get married, so getting good at being able to be in the same room without things blowing up now is well worth investing your time in.
Indeed, if you and your co-parent can be in each other’s presence without things descending into chaos it opens up myriad opportunities to better parent and support your child including both of you being able to attend school performances, parents’ evenings, and even family get-togethers.
8. Try and Make Major Life Decisions Together
If the thought of consulting your ex when making major life decisions upsets you, you are not alone, as many people get divorced because their lives go in a different direction. However, when you have a child that you are co-parenting, your co-parent does need to be involved or at least made aware of any major life changes or decisions, because they will have an impact on your child and their relationship with your child.
A good example is if you are offered a promotion at work, but it means moving out of state. Indeed, it will be a great deal easier for all concerned if you can get your co-parent on board with this, rather than forcing it upon them. After all, it will impact the amount of time they can spend with their child, and some co-parents may even choose to get their legal team involved if they disagree. However, if your co-parent is involved in the decision-making process, it’s much more likely that you will be able to make an arrangement that suits both parties without needing to involve your legal team.
9. Be Willing to Compromise
Last, of all, a skill that you really need to nurture as a co-parent is being able to compromise. It can be very challenging at times, especially with an ex, however, it can help to see it as the trade-off needed to ensure that your child has two active and engaged parents in their life.
Also compromising doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries or never get things the way you want them. It just means that you have to be willing to respect the boundaries of your co-parent, as well as expecting them to respect yours, as well as trading off some things for others that are more important when it comes to the care of your child.
Disclosure: collaborative post
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