Disclosure: collaborative post
It is extremely difficult to comfort a family member or close friend who has lost a loved one and is immersed in incomprehensible grief. Your heart aches for the mourners who are in shock and struggling with copious amounts of all-encompassing pain, sorrow, and grief. As numbness overtakes them, feelings of dread, and anxiety stir within you, as the role of “grief supporter” must be undertaken.
Words get swallowed, rather than spoken, as you search your brain for perfect phrases of comfort, and empathy. The overwhelming pain being felt, is palpable. You are human, caring, and now, committed to expressing your condolences, sincerely, and with efficacy.
An Immediate Act of Condolence – Make Contact
Grief unlike a virus is not a disease. It is truly a normal, human response to the finality of death. When it envelops your family member or friend, exhaustion, anger, guilt, and confusion consume each grieving person, differently. That said, your presence, visual and physical, is needed. As part of the condolence process, make contact immediately. If it is not possible to safely visit, Zoom call. They need to see you, hear your voice, and feel your living existence. Silence may fill the air, and audible, the actual conversation will be difficult.
Accept the silence, but interact by:
- Giving warm hugs
- Squeezing their hands in affirmation of their loss
- Waiting for them to speak, however long it takes
- Making eye contact, which is reassuring
- Keeping the tissues coming, tears reduce stress levels
- Asking how they are feeling
- Listening when they recount how the loved one died. They need to talk about it.
Solace may not be achieved in monumental amounts, but your actions, taken to respond in loving kindness, are a gift of comfort.
Send Something – Condolences Deepened
Grieving is as unique as each person who has suffered a loss. No one is schooled in the process of dealing with the onset of devastating feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and disbelief. The need for sustenance, sleep, self-care, and a restoration of spirit, must be addressed by a network of grief supporters. They too are also feeling a significant loss. Politely ask your friend or family member what is needed, and consider how you, and others, can show support, as soon as possible.
Express your concern for their well-being by sending:
Condolence Baskets
A basket, filled with comforting and delicious chocolate cookies, and brownies, a nutritious tray of dried fruits and nuts, or chocolates, and perfectly paired, sweet, restorative, red wine, speak the words you cannot say, at this time.
In fact, condolence baskets offer options for self-care, when physical needs are often being neglected due to grief and are one of my favourite memorial ideas. Choose one which is overflowing with fruits and nuts, or chocolates and wine. There are so many options, but the end results are the same, a lift in spirits and nourishment to the soul.
Personal Sympathy Cards and Handwritten Notes
Timely receipt of written words, including messages of deeply felt sentiment for the recipient, bring immediate comfort. Special remembrances, and anecdotes about their lost loved one, personalizes the shared affection and reduce feelings of loneliness that always accompany grief.
Comforting Text Messages
When grief support cannot be given in person, texting is accepted in 2021. It adds an element of close proximity to the condolence process, even from cyberspace. The content, in a few words, offers solace. Follow up with a call, as soon as possible. Later text again, to reinforce the depth of your feelings, and honor the deceased’s memory.
Providing Practical Assistance, Legal and Material
When a loved one’s loss necessitates immediate and specific actions, thought and focus must be given. The details of viewing for the deceased, and final arrangements for the funeral, memorial service, or cremation, must be finalized. Numerous legalities, such as applying for Certificates of Death, and notifying the Social Security office, must be completed with expediency. Time does not stop when a death occurs. Grieving and its all-consuming pain, severely reduce the capability of the person in mourning, to care about, or engage with, the details of the end-of-life processes.
As a grief supporter, offering to assist with these necessary legalities, and ceremonies lifts a great burden from the griever. Your participation adds the necessary structure for a beautiful goodbye.
The Material Needs to be Supplied
Beyond the initial loss and first hours of grieving, your friend or family member may require services and creature comforts that you cannot provide. If possible, give him, or her a gift card for:
- Meal preparation and delivery
- Grocery shopping
- Prescription retrieval
- Childcare
- House cleaning and laundry
- Transportation service for when driving is not safe, or manageable due to grief, or physical condition
- Technical or Financial Instruction, to level up to the crucial tasks which were handled by the deceased and must be continued immediately.
Be There – Be Reachable
Showing up is the most crucial part of being a grief support provider, and a loving friend or family member. Your physical presence and emotional connection are desperately needed. It is the greatest gift that can be given and helps to ensure a future in which healing and recovery are possible.
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