Hello Everyone!
Yesterday I traveled up to London’s theatreland to a private members club called The Library. It was all in aid of The Book Trust’s new initiative to reinforce the importance of reading at bedtime and a bedtime routine. It’s simply called #BathBookBed. You can sign up to the Book Trust’s 14 Days to Better Sleep Trial, which gives you daily support and information. The campaign is being fronted by Jo Frost of Supernanny fame, who we got to meet and chat with.
I arrived at the impressive venue and was led upstairs to the gorgeous mezzanine level, which had skylights that flooded the area with natural light. The quirky furniture and booklined shelves were amazing. We were given some time to talk amongst ourselves and enjoy a delicious brunch. They handed out what I thought was orange juice but turned out to be bucks fizz! When in Rome and all that, don’t mind if I do!
It was lovely to meet the other bloggers, most of which I chat to online but have never met in the flesh. Most of us had some sort of sleep issue we wanted to talk to Jo about. I had mixed feelings about meeting her, prior to having children I’d seen her programmes, and absorbed all I could from them, proclaiming that I would not stand for any nonsense from my children! Then I had my own children and it’s very different when you’re emotionally invested in them and you are constantly worried about doing the right thing by them. William and Phoebe were no problem with sleeping, but Daniel has been a different kettle of fish altogether as you may know! He was an unsettled baby, resulting in me babywearing him most of the time, he refused to be put down for 4 months pretty much and doesn’t sleep through and sometimes won’t go to bed before 10pm… cue two very tired and ratty parents who are just struggling through, I often find myself shouting at the other children, have less patience and at the end of the day I can’t think straight and have let things slide, with William (6) being allowed to watch YouTube videos, sometimes reading to Phoebe (5) when we could gather strength, breastfeeding Daniel (16 months) on and off until he went to sleep, which could be 7/7.30pm (with him often waking again), or could be as late as 10pm. We were also getting into the habit of using the electronic babysitters (phone, tablet) to keep the older two quiet. After meeting Jo, and discussing her tips, I decided it was ENOUGH! I was going to start Operation Take Back Bedtime. I’m going to out my plans and findings in a separate post so you can follow my progress, but I’m already seeing results and it’s only been two nights.
Now, I don’t subscribe to any form of parenting rigidly, I sway towards the gentle, attachment or crunchy side, but I don’t wholly agree with all of the principles, a lot of the children who’s parents follow this method fully I feel lack boundaries and can become over sensitive and sheltered by well meaning parents. Not all, but some. The other side of the scale is the Cry it Out (CIO), controlled crying (CC), or as Jo calls it Controlled Time Crying (CTC), firm discipline camp. CIO is pretty much out of favour and you don’t tend to see it advised now, as children do need to be reassured. Again, I’m not going to start a debate about pros and cons of either methods here, and there are shades of inbetween the methods which is where I find myself. I believe that you need to do what’s right for your family using the best research and resources you have access to so you can make an informed choice. Supernanny has come under fire from the gentle parenting camp and breastfeeding champions, but she’s a human being let’s cut her some slack, plus she’s helped so many families – here’s what she had to say, her top tips for a successful bedtime routine:
- Make sure your daytime routine has plenty of stimulation, quality time, enough food
- If you work, when you come home, spend quality time with each child, even if it’s just 10 minutes (no phones, TV etc, be present)
- Work with the child’s natural circadian rhythm, roughly a 12 hour day
- Allow an hour for them to wind down
- Close curtains, dim the lights
- Keep to the same times and routine as much as possible
- Give them a bath get that last bit of energy out
- Reading a book together means so much, they will benefit intellectually and emotionally, it encourages quiet time and interaction
- Create a norm, they will know what to expect
- Bedtime, be firm and stick to it!
- If it slips a night or two or on holiday, you can get back on track
I had so many questions I feel I monopolised Jo’s attention! Here’s a breakdown of them and her answers:
Q: I have three children of different ages and needs, how can I sit them all down with the same book?
A: Let the older one read to the younger ones, the baby will dip in and out, he will eventually join in. Let them take turns choosing a book. You could always do a separate book time with the baby.
Q: My baby is so unpredictable, he keeps us up late often, he’s so hyperactive
A: Make sure he has plenty of stimulation during the day, ensure his wind down routine is in place and he’s had quality time with you. Be firm about bedtime, he needs to know that night time is for sleeping, not playing.
Q: When my baby wakes in the night, I breastfeed him to sleep, how can I stop this without him being awake for ages, should I offer water instead?
A: He doesn’t need the breastmilk anymore, you should stop completely it’s comfort feeding – follow the CTC method. (I disagree slightly here in that I know breastmilk is still beneficial to older babies and beyond, but I do agree that I want to night wean if it means more reliable sleeping and someone else can comfort him if he wakes!)
There was lots more chat, she was very kind and empathetic, she is very pro the mother and getting a balance of family life. She is very firm about giving them the quality time they need, if you can do some in the morning and some before the wind down routine, they will then be more inclined to self play more give you some much needed time out! It was very easy when looking at other people’s sleep issues – of course just put them back to bed if they’re getting in with you at night still at age 6 – but when you’re in the situation it’s entirely different, our emotions cloud us. She made it seem obvious that we deserve sleep! We’re a nation who are sleep deprived.
Another point I learned was to trust what we know is right, there’s always a lot of talk around parenting of trusting our mothering instincts, sometimes we don’t know what they are and get confused, I know I do! One of the other mums said her 6 year old was going to bed fine but then at one point 2 or 3 hours later was coming into bed with them saying she was scared and it was easier to get sleep and keep her in there. Jo asked her as a mother is she really scared? Like, is she frightened like really frightened or is she just saying ‘I’m scared,’ because it means she can go in with mummy and daddy. She’s not being manipulative on purpose or hatching an evil plot and yes, she’d rather be with mummy, of course, but is she really scared? When it was put like that we could see how it can be let go. How to deal with it? Ask the child what they’re scared of, and get rid of the problem, be it monster spray to get rid of monsters for example. Proclaim it ‘Gone’ and anything else they can come up with.
Of course, all children will grow out of it eventually, there aren’t many 11 or 13 year olds still in their parent’s bed so you can wait it out, but if you want to reclaim your bed and your sleep, just do it! You’re in control. I read a book once called French children don’t throw food, which was written by an american mother living in France, and she used to say to her children, ‘C’est moi qui décide’ (It’s me who decides) and I say that now when I feel like I’m losing control, more as a reminder to myself!
Well, I have Jo’s book Jo Frost’s Toddler Rules (not a new book) which is a nice little handbook with case studies in. It’s nothing revolutionary, I think she’s so successful not because she has great wisdom and new ways, but because of the way she works with people and can make them see things differently, and realise their worth. She is a confidence giver, I felt empowered after I left, not that my children were scheming against me or that they needed to be tamed, but that I needed to step up, get off my phone, spend some quality time with them, show them the boundaries that they need and then I can fill my cup and be a more patient and happy Mama!
I have not been paid or compensated for this post. I received a complimentary copy of Jo Frost’s Toddler Rules and my travel expenses were paid. All opinions are my own.
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