If you’re generation X like me, you might be in or soon to be in the Sandwich Generation. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s when you have children to look after and also aging parents. Both need your support and time, and you’re stuck in the middle with very little time or space to take care of your own needs. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just one of those things. It seems heartbreaking that just as your kids are getting a little bit more independent, you then find yourself caring for elderly relatives, or perhaps having to adjust your home to take in those relatives who have mobility needs to consider.
The mental load
It’s not just the physical adjustment of doing more for people, it’s the mental load that I would find the hardest. I have been through the bad times of dementia with my Nana and saw how my parents took her under their care. They cooked for her, took care of all her appointments, and made sure she went to daycare. As she declined, they got her dressed, took her to the toilet and helped her wash, did all her basic needs. It got too much for them in the end and she went into a nursing home. It caused family problems (which are now resolved).
Because I have a nursing background and I live the closest, I know things will fall to me, I’m happy with that and the amount of care and support they have given me my whole life, I’m more than happy to provide any support and care they need. My Mum is very vocal about it though, and actually wants to be ‘put into a home,’ but I don’t think it’s always as clear-cut as that. My Dad says he wants to be kept alive at all costs so I have to take that into account (within reason). Thankfully they are both fit and healthy at the moment. My Dad is 75 and still running most days.
The mental load of carrying all that admin and emotional involvement of the whole family can be quite draining. I get overwhelmed just from all the school and club emails!
The financial burden
Whether your relatives have money or not may make a difference, but their money may be tied up in their home or assets and not available. There will be a financial aspect to caring for elderly relatives, particularly if they come to live with you and you need to adapt the house. It could be something simple like widening a doorway, or major changes like adding an extension or purpose-built outbuilding. You may be entitled to some funding from the council for changes if you qualify. Installing home lifts for disabled adults or a stairlift may make all the difference to their quality of life and could mean they stay in their own home that crucial bit longer.
The physical burden
Let’s not forget the physical burden of the sandwich generation. Imagine a typical day – you have to get the kids ready for school, take them to school, then go round to your parents and help them with their day, sort their housework, then back to yours to do the same, and admin and errands for both houses, grab a quick lunch, school pick up, then back to their house, drop their shopping around, help them with their bills and appointments, then back to make dinner and help with homework. Where’s your time to relax and unwind? Stress, eating unhealthy food, and having no time to exercise will all take a toll on your physical help.
The positives
It’s not all doom and gloom, of course, caring for everyone can be very rewarding and like me, you may feel good that you can give back to your relatives that have always been there for you. Try not to take on the whole lot yourself, make sure your partner is taking on an equal amount at home or perhaps they can take on a bit more considering your extra duties. Seek help from any other family members if not on a regular basis then even on a once in a while basis. Find out about financial help you are entitled to, for example, carer’s allowance. Encourage your elderly relatives to be as independent as possible for as long as possible so they don’t place all the responsibility on you. Lastly, having your parents living with you can be awesome! They will spend more time with your children and may even be able to babysit for you. Living in a multigenerational household is such a benefit for everyone, your children will grow up appreciating and respecting their grandparents on a deeper level.
Disclosure: collaborative post
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