Age: 5-18 months
Duties are varied and interesting. They include but are not restricted to:
Emptying cat food and distributing into all corners of the house
Pulling up on anything, however unstable
Shouting randomly
Making smells
Opening cupboards
Getting stuck under tables
Dribbling
Doing a small vomit which can go unnoticed on clothing until we are out of the house without a change of clothes
Behaving like an angel for grandparents and babysitters then reverting to type on return
Ripping paper
Eating paper
Eating bits of rubbish off the floor including potential hazards (e.g. staples)
Ripping up toilet tissue
Pulling your socks off, leading to:
Chewing on your socks, and losing/ hiding them
Giving sloppy ‘kisses’
Being adorably cute
Waking up whenever Mum or Dad try to have a special cuddle
Smearing food into your hair, face and clothes and also if possible, the clothes of others
Hiding food in your clothes, nappy and anywhere unlikely to be found for a while
Playing with anything except your toys
Losing shoes
Drop things from the highchair, cry to have them picked up and then drop them again
Locate the youview box button and turn it off. And on again. Repeat. Then do the same with the Xbox.
Key skills:
Be observant
- wait until the parents are about to eat and then fill your nappy
- cry until the parent is about to lose it and then smile and be cute
Versatility
- Mix it up a bit every now and then, change nap times, foods you like/dislike, how long you sleep at night, sleep through – don’t sleep through, take milk from a bottle and then act like it’s poisonous
Learn and adapt
- Reach for that unattainable object and claim it finally when nobody’s watching
- Develop new skills daily
Assertiveness
- Make sure your voice is heard, particularly if you are not the only baby or child in the house
- Determination
- Do not accept substitutions
- Do not give in to changes in sleep or any other habits
Loyalty
- Make a fuss when not in your mother’s arms
- Provide smiles only to a select few
- Show how much you love your mother by crying when she appears to pick you up
Creativity
- Make pictures on your highchair with yoghurt and water
- Think outside the box – climb out of your cot when nobody’s watching
Do you think I’ll get any applicants?! What are your baby’s daily jobs?
