Job Vacancy: Baby

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Age: 5-18 months

Duties are varied and interesting. They include but are not restricted to:

Emptying cat food and distributing into all corners of the house

Pulling up on anything, however unstable

Shouting randomly

Making smells

Opening cupboards

Getting stuck under tables

Dribbling

Doing a small vomit which can go unnoticed on clothing until we are out of the house without a change of clothes

Behaving like an angel for grandparents and babysitters then reverting to type on return

Ripping paper

Eating paper

Eating bits of rubbish off the floor including potential hazards (e.g. staples)

Ripping up toilet tissue

Pulling your socks off, leading to:

Chewing on your socks, and losing/ hiding them

Giving sloppy ‘kisses’

Being adorably cute

Waking up whenever Mum or Dad try to have a special cuddle

Smearing food into your hair, face and clothes and also if possible, the clothes of others

Hiding food in your clothes, nappy and anywhere unlikely to be found for a while

Playing with anything except your toys

Losing shoes

Drop things from the highchair, cry to have them picked up and then drop them again

Locate the youview box button and turn it off. And on again.  Repeat.  Then do the same with the Xbox.

Key skills:

Be observant

• wait until the parents are about to eat and then fill your nappy
• cry until the parent is about to lose it and then smile and be cute

Versatility

• Mix it up a bit every now and then, change nap times, foods you like/dislike, how long you sleep at night, sleep through – don’t sleep through, take milk from a bottle and then act like it’s poisonous

Learn and adapt

• Reach for that unattainable object and claim it finally when nobody’s watching
• Develop new skills daily

Assertiveness

• Make sure your voice is heard, particularly if you are not the only baby or child in the house
• Determination
• Do not accept substitutions
• Do not give in to changes in sleep or any other habits

Loyalty

• Make a fuss when not in your mother’s arms
• Provide smiles only to a select few
• Show how much you love your mother by crying when she appears to pick you up

Creativity

• Make pictures on your highchair with yoghurt and water
• Think outside the box – climb out of your cot when nobody’s watching

Do you think I’ll get any applicants?! What are your baby’s daily jobs?

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