The impact of divorce on your kids is something that nobody can ever underestimate. The process is something that will be a big part of your life, causes ructions within the family, and while divorce can be a big part of your child’s life, you have the power to positively impact their quality of life during and afterwards. Divorce, naturally, affects children in different ways, can cause behavioural problems, and may make the divorce process more difficult to deal with.
However, you are the parent, and therefore, you need to understand that children are not doomed because you and your partner are divorcing. What does it really take to ensure that you can still be a great parent when you are going through the divorce process?
Accepting It Will Be a Bumpy Road
A lot of people try to paper over the cracks. The fact is that you are going through a situation that is unprecedented in all your lives. Because divorce lawyers and other legal specialists are involved, not to mention a complete shake-up of the traditional timetable, you’ve got to remember that it is an unprecedented event so you cannot expect everything to be perfect.
It’s normal to feel like you are not functioning properly, not just during the divorce process, but even after the divorce has been finalised. Divorce is is the end of a relationship, and therefore we all go through a grieving process. It doesn’t matter how amicable the split is or what the circumstances were, the fact is that you are coming to the end of something, and so are your children. This means that your child’s behaviour is going to be affected too, as they are going through their own grieving process.
Even if you were divorcing someone who was not a kind person, you’ve got to look at it through the prism of your child’s eyes. They may have not seen a lot of the things that occurred, and therefore if you are divorcing someone because they’ve not been nice or have had behavioural problems of their own, you’ve got to remember that your child will go through the grieving process, no matter how much you try to show your child that the other parent is not worth grieving over.
You are entitled to fall apart, and you do not need to hide all of your emotions. Likewise, you should never overshare. But if you come to terms with the fact that you are more likely to feel the impacts, you can prepare better and be more accepting throughout the process.
You Can Parent Differently From Your Ex-Partner
One of the main reasons you got divorced might have been because you couldn’t agree with your ex on many things, and the divorce is not going to make this any easier. The fact is that you do not have control over how your ex-partner is going to parent your child. Unless there’s a case of neglect or abuse, courts usually accept that what a parent does with a child is their own responsibility. But the key is that you need to make rules and ensure you enforce these ones that support your ideologies, which may make for a lot of disjointed parenting.
It would be better to work together when it comes to parenting your child, but this may take a long time to get around to, especially if it wasn’t an amicable divorce. You can discuss ways to make a more coherent approach to parenting, but if your ex-partner is not on board with your ideas, you need to stay focused on what you can achieve.
There are things that you have control over, and there will always be things that you don’t. Don’t waste your time on the things where you have no control over. Likewise, when there are disagreements, you should never engage in mudslinging, especially if your ex is complaining about your parenting style.
The fact is that while your ex may have their own ideas of how to be a parent, maybe they think they need to be the more “fun” parent while you are laying down the rules, what matters is how you are a parent when your children are with you. During divorce proceedings, there will be a decision on the balance of visitation rights, and the fact is that it may take time for you to set certain ground rules with your children, which is why it’s important to remember that habits can take some time to settle in.
The post-divorce process means you have to go through the grieving process, but you may also find yourself at loggerheads with your child because they will try to play you and your ex off each other. Stick to your guns, and when enough time has passed, your children will have an understanding of how they are going to be in each parent’s presence.
Dealing With a Manipulative Child
When your child plays their parents off each other, this is something that they are naturally doing as a way to get what they want. If you catch your child manipulating you, you’ve got to reinforce the fact that you are the one in charge and you are different to the other parent. But it’s important to check, if you can, with the other parent to see if what your child is saying is true.
You may already have an inkling if what you’re child is saying isn’t true, but if you are on speaking terms with the other parent, at the very least, you can check in with them to see if what they are saying is true. Very quickly, your child is going to figure out that manipulation is not an effective tactic.
Children try to be manipulative in these environments just to get the basics of what they need. They may not have lost their ambition to bring you back together, but rather, they want to stay up late, watch TV until the middle of the night, or play video games. The fact is that the things they want are usually very simple, and while your child may very well use the other parent as leverage, you should not get into the habit of relaying messages to your ex-partner by your child.
It’s important for both parents to be the authority figure, no matter how much you disagree with your ex’s parenting styles or the circumstances of the divorce.
Understanding Why Your Child Misbehaves
Kids are going to act out after divorce and this could stem from their anxieties. There are some very common reasons that they will act out, including the following:
- They want their parents to get back together.
- They’re pushing boundaries.
- They are feeling emotional about the changes in their lives.
- They feel everything is their fault.
When a divorce occurs, some children will react in certain ways to get a reaction out of you or they are pushing you to see if you will break. But it’s not about ensuring that you have a breakdown because of them; they’re actually testing you to see see what your strengths are because they are hoping to see that you do not break down.
You can empathize with what is going on, but these are things that you don’t have to contend with. It can be helpful to let them know that you want more cooperation, but you can also set limits. Disciplining your child is incredibly important. You might think it’s better just to give them a pass because of what has been going on, but the reality is that it can soon spiral out of control.
Many children learn that if they can get away with something, eventually they will push the boundaries further. This is why it’s vital for you to be consistent.
They are going through a rough time, and therefore, you need to be apathetic, but the fact is that if they are crossing the line, you’ve got to provide that all-important structure. Consequences are so important, and even though you have gone through a divorce, the consequences can be the same as they were before.
You should also talk with your child after everything’s calmed down, so you can get to the root of why they are behaving like they are. It’s important to talk about the divorce and your child’s feelings, but try to not force the issue and let it come up naturally. There will be times when your child just needs to get everything out of their system. Sometimes, they may not be able to verbalize what is going on, which would explain certain behaviours. Now more than ever it’s important to keep the lines of communication open.
The trick to being a great parent during the divorce process is a misnomer; the fact is that if you want to be a great parent, you need to provide consistency, but you’ve also got to bear in mind that this is one of the most stressful things that everybody will undergo, and for the sake of your child, a structure is one of those all-important things.
Disclosure: collaborative post
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